One never realizes just how much of a sinner they are, until people pray aloud for them about how much of a Christian one is and how much they have seen that person grow in Christ. Tonight was the C&C prayer meeting (which was great by the way). And Nate had everyone pray for each person that was there.

After Brendon was prayed for, it moved on to me, and some of the things mentioned hit me like, "I don't feel like that," or "Am I really all these things that they are praying/thanking God for/about me?" I know it wasn't supposed to make me ashamed of calling myself a Christian, but it sure made me realize how much I behave like one some places and not others. How it feels like a facade to call one self a Christian, and only behave like one around other Christians. Sometimes I wonder if I even can do that.* Its just makes me sick inside when people praise how "Christian" I am. And I look at myself and see all the hate, anger, spite, lust, deceit, filth and grime, and I think "I'm no Christian... please don't praise me, and for heaven's sake don't follow my example." I feel a lot like a song by Casting Crowns called Stained Glass Masquerade



I know that even recognizing this is a step in the right direction towards Christ-like behavior. I know that one will never be perfect on this side of heaven, you can only strive to get as close as possible.

So as I write this blog I am currently evaluating some of the many factors that cause me to hide my faith some places and not in others and how I can make myself more bold in my walk with Christ no matter where I go.

One of the issues I have is a fear of crowds and large social gatherings. I don't know what it is about it. Maybe it's the dozens of voices talking at once, or just the lack of personal space. Maybe the unfamiliar people, or just me being stupid and not controlling this fear. But I see myself running for the door every time I am in one of these situations.

Another is my inability to hold a lasting conversation about anything... Usually its mostly one sided with me listening, maybe throwing a few words in and then there being an awkward silence. How can I be a proclaimer of Christ's redemptive sacrifice if I can't even tell someone "how I am doing today"? Instead its a "I'm good, you?" even though I'm not. Then half-listening to them say "I'm good, thanks" and then separating from one another.

One thing I have noticed more about myself lately is that I have grown more openly honest. Which I don't know if thats good or bad (probably bad). Ask me a question and I won't usually dance around it, even if the answer is not one you want to hear. But this has also gotten me in trouble sometimes. I have been told I need to filter what and how I say things. You know the whole think before you talk thing. Especially being in politically correct. But as most people know I'm no hippie, and I don't act like a hippie. And being politically correct is just lame.

So now I am searching Bible Gateway, for some kind of relevant verse. I look up hypocrite, and find this:

James 1:26

26 If anyone among you thinks he is religious, and does not bridle his tongue but deceives his own heart, this one’s religion is useless.

That sure made me feel better...**

And then I started reading my Bible, and I started reading through Psalm again, and I found this:

Psalm 6:1-7

1 LORD, do not rebuke me in Your anger;
do not discipline me in Your wrath.

2 Be gracious to me, LORD, for I am weak;
heal me, LORD, for my bones are shaking;

3 my whole being is shaken with terror.
And You, LORD— how long?

4 Turn, LORD! Rescue me;
save me because of Your faithful love.

5 For there is no remembrance of You in death;
who can thank You in Sheol?

6 I am weary from my groaning;
with my tears I dampen my pillow
and drench my bed every night.

7 My eyes are swollen from grief;
they grow old because of all my enemies.

Then Psalm 38, is one Nate brought up at the meeting:

1 O LORD, do not rebuke me in Your wrath,

Nor chasten me in Your hot displeasure!
2 For Your arrows pierce me deeply,
And Your hand presses me down.

3 There is no soundness in my flesh
Because of Your anger,
Nor any health in my bones
Because of my sin.
4 For my iniquities have gone over my head;
Like a heavy burden they are too heavy for me.
5 My wounds are foul and festering
Because of my foolishness.

6 I am troubled, I am bowed down greatly;
I go mourning all the day long.
7 For my loins are full of inflammation,
And there is no soundness in my flesh.
8 I am feeble and severely broken;
I groan because of the turmoil of my heart.

9 Lord, all my desire is before You;
And my sighing is not hidden from You.
10 My heart pants, my strength fails me;
As for the light of my eyes, it also has gone from me.

11 My loved ones and my friends stand aloof from my plague,
And my relatives stand afar off.
12 Those also who seek my life lay snares for me;
Those who seek my hurt speak of destruction,
And plan deception all the day long.

13 But I, like a deaf man, do not hear;
And I am like a mute who does not open his mouth.
14 Thus I am like a man who does not hear,
And in whose mouth is no response.

15 For in You, O LORD, I hope;
You will hear, O Lord my God.
16 For I said, “Hear me, lest they rejoice over me,
Lest, when my foot slips, they exalt themselves against me.”

17 For I am ready to fall,
And my sorrow is continually before me.
18 For I will declare my iniquity;
I will be in anguish over my sin.
19 But my enemies are vigorous, and they are strong;
And those who hate me wrongfully have multiplied.
20 Those also who render evil for good,
They are my adversaries, because I follow what is good.

21 Do not forsake me, O LORD;
O my God, be not far from me!
22 Make haste to help me,
O Lord, my salvation!

Now I pray LORD please don't leave me, make come quickly and help me, make me stronger in You. Help me to put all my trust and faith in You. And not try and do it all myself. I am weary from the weight of my sins, take them from me that I can be a more glorifying person for You. Help me to make sure my religion is not useless. Thank You God for Your grace and mercy. None of which I deserve, but because You loved me, You sent Your Son to die for me. Now all You ask is for me to be more like Him, to strive for perfection in all I do. Thank You for putting this on my heart to want to love and serve and be more honest for and about You. Thank You for your grace. Amen.

Thank you all for reading, hopefully it wasn't completely incoherent.

*Ask Emily about the sign-language, or don't, it doesn't make her happy, and I think that's why I do it. For the reaction. Something I have got to work on ending.
**obvious sarcasm.

at the time of finally finishing this post it is now 6:30am Saturday.